Wow, I didn't think it was going to be like this

Well M and I had the talk on Tuesday. We decided that it would be the best for us to get a divorce. Not a separation, and actual divorce. I have been turning that idea over in my mind since November since I heard, "Oh I love you, but I am not IN love with you." (What is that anyways? Does that mean, "Oh I care about you enough to be sad if you get nailed by a bus, but I really can't stand being around you anymore.")

At at time I was fine with a divorce, but he was deployed and he wasn't here. I got my supergirl pants on and thought, "OK, I can do this-no problem!" Now, I am terrified. For the last 8 years I have had a sense of security. Now all I can see is it crumbling to the ground. Then I have to remind myself, a Phoenix always rises from the ashes.

This is not how I saw my life when I got married. To be honest I never even thought about marriage when I was growing up. Oh yeah, I thought about the big party and the even bigger dress, but the actual marriage, no. I was always a serial dater, one boyfriend at a time for years. But when I met M, I knew there was something different about him. I knew it was HIM. I loved everything about him, his eyes, his funny smile, his accent. I loved the way he seemed to be all about me. I loved that he had an interesting job and he had been around the world. You know, I still love those things.

But now the whole issue of being parents has really come to a head. He wants kids, and I don't. I think it has gotten worse with all of our friends either already having kids or being pregnant. He seems so sad about it. I hate that. All I want for him is ultimate happiness. I know that that means letting him go.

This is so confusing for me. On one hand, I want things to stay the same, I enjoy my life here. I love M. I love being with him. But I know in reality that he doesn't love me. He doesn't really talk to me, we don't do things together, we don't have similar interests. He is also sad. He told me that his life right now is not complete. I am not enough.

He starts working nights soon. Hopefully this will help me disengage from him. Its hard to go to sleep every night with him right beside me. He will move to the other bedroom tomorrow. Tomorrow we start living apart. I don't know about this....