I don't know if I should wind my ass or scratch my watch...

I swear I should have my head examined. I think I must have hit it with something that I didn't know about it.
Yesterday I spent the morning shopping, finishing up with some christmas shopping. X texts me telling me about how he just got up, blah, blah, blah. So we are back and forth about going to Wilmington. He told me that he would go with me to get this kiddos presents. We argue, of course, but he finally decides to go. We have a great afternoon, lunch at flaming amy's, some mild shopping. (Hey I didnt even go to the mall!) and then home. We just chill on the couch watching tv and picking on each other. It was one of those really good days that reminds me how much I like hanging out with him. He makes me laugh. But, I know that this isn't "real", and it makes me sad.
It also confuses the shit out of me. It makes me wonder if we really should be apart. I mean we do know everything about each other. We know what makes the other one tick. But then I force myself to remember the shitty stuff- the Christmas I spent alone, while he was upstairs because he didn't "feel" like Christmas, the dinners I ate alone, not because he was deployed, but because he didnt want to eat with me, the arguments about how I am a shitty wife because I dont want kids, etc.
AND, I think the cosmos is aligning against me. I thought I had a house in the bag, then WHAMO! NOPE! The guy wants more than I can afford. Sigh..... So I continue to look. At this point it seems that I will be either living here forever or moving in with a friend. I want neither of these options. GRRRRRRR....... Ok so I keep looking. But really, it seems that Someone wants me to stay in this house and not move on. And I really want too! I want to meet new people, I want to do new things. I have lived here in NC for 8 years and I have never been to the mountains! X is not a big fan of traveling with me it seems. I am ready to "hit the road"! I want to try all kinds of brownies and cakes and cupcakes.
I think the sooner I can make a clean break from X the easier my life will be. Maybe thats what the lesson is, I need to have patience for this to come about. Easier said than done for me. But I will try. I have to remember that I am not in the drivers seat, but am in the passenger seat and have to quit being a back seat driver. Ok so here is to day one of patience. Wish me luck!